Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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