I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
