I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
