Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
