It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
