he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
