I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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