my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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