So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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