i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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