Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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