i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
4 words: hood of his car
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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