I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
being pregnant is like rehab
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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