I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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