i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How does one acquire holy water?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize