It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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