Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
