4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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