my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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