I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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