And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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