PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
