i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
