Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
