My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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