I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
