i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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