So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
