you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
