so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
