Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
