I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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