I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
