Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
