Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
