You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
