like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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