Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We need a shit load of segways right now
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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