Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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