i would punch a child for taco bell
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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