He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
