you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
