Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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