walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
