The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
