"it" just moved
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
