My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
