I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
