Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
