hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
