I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
