I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
it's like heaven, but drunker
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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