I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
