My room smells like vodka and shame
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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