I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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