So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
