Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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