i can't believe i had my finger in that
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
