she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
